essay about parents being strict

Why Parenting With Discipline Raises More Resilient Children

The research is pretty clear. so what kind of parent are you.

Posted April 2, 2020 | Reviewed by Matt Huston

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Over half a century of research has demonstrated the effects of responsive and demanding parenting . Responsiveness is about understanding and meeting needs, while demandingness is about establishing and enforcing expectations.

From infancy through young adulthood, our children’s mindsets are being forged, tenuously dangling between entitlement, insecurity and—we hope—a third and better option. Ultimately, the most skillful and effective parenting fosters two fundamental, equally necessary forces in a child's development— attachment and autonomy.

To the extent a child is securely attached, they experience trust and emotional connection, which are critical to enhancing their capacity for relating well to others. To the extent a child is responsibly autonomous, they are able to self-soothe and engage in independent tasks.

When we refer to discipline, we are often really searching for ways to control a child; yet discipline here refers primarily to the development of capacities for self-regulation , in which exerting such parental control is increasingly unnecessary.

The fundamental truth about parenting with discipline is that parents themselves must become disciplined in their parenting if there are truly to be any meaningfully constructive, long-term gains.

Neglect, and Worse

Some are disengaged from their children’s lives—emotionally detached, practically uninvolved, failing to provide expectations or guidance. Having been a therapist for teen shelters and later a clinical director for a therapeutic foster care program, I acknowledge that many parents face legitimate challenges in their lives that lead to poor choices and neglect of their children. While careful not to shame parents whose lives are harsh, I have witnessed devastating effects of unmet needs, including physical neglect and emotional desertion, on the children of such parents.

Child neglect is a failure to meet a child's basic needs. Children who experience neglect may fear and sabotage close relationships, experience heightened anxiety , and fail to adequately develop empathy and even ethical decision-making .

There are, of course, even more flagrant abuses, and I will not go into them here. Domestic violence between parents also deals devastating blows.

Strict Parenting

Some parents are highly demanding of their children but not responsive to their emotional needs. These parents are characterized as "strict" and are generally more rigid, harsh, and demanding and tend to engage in provocative and punitive forms of discipline. There are several ways we can make children behave—force, fear, and punishment . Harsh tactics serve to overpower a child, which may result in order and compliance, yet far from nurturing unmet developmental needs, they may result in a child that is more angry, resentful, fearful, and responsive only to force.

Strict parenting is characterized by high expectations of conformity and compliance to rules and directions. These parents are more restrictive and do not allow open dialogue about the reasoning behind rules and expectations, exerting a form of psychological control. Strict parents want to be respected for their rules and provisions with no questions asked, either because this was how they were raised or because they feel unsure about their own parenting.

Strict parents favor punitive, forceful measures to curb willfulness. Children of strict parents often develop high anxiety as well as compulsive thoughts and behavior as they negotiate between underdeveloped capacities and hidden cravings for autonomous self-regulation, authentic expressiveness, and emotional connection.

Permissive Parenting

Some parents, characterized as "permissive," are responsive to children’s emotional needs and wishes but not very demanding. Permissive parenting is involved, emotionally nurturing, and accepting but with few demands or controls. These parents tend to be the child’s friend rather than the parental authority in order to be liked and accepted. Permissive parents may be warm and nurturing with their children yet fail to meet a child's developmental needs for rules and limits. By overvaluing friendliness and undervaluing a child's need to grow in self-discipline, parents may inadvertently reward or reinforce immature or even deviant behavior.

Children of permissive parents often develop high anxiety and compulsive thoughts and behaviors. They must come to terms with the world’s structures and demands against the backdrop of their own under-regulated emotion and underdeveloped capacity for self-control.

Disciplined Parenting

Parents who are attuned and responsive to their children’s needs and demanding in guiding them toward maturity and independence are, by that standard, disciplined in their parenting. Disciplined parents are firm but not rigid; they are willing to make an exception when the situation warrants. With a focus on responding to developmental needs and teaching how to make things right after they've gone wrong, disciplined parenting focuses on instilling key values and skills, including self-soothing, delaying gratification, constructive communication, fairness, and citizenship.

This style of parenting, also called "democratic" or "authoritative," is characterized by high expectations for maturity and compliance to rules while allowing open dialogue. Democratic parents at once encourage independence and place limits and controls on their child’s actions. They link children’s rights and privileges with demonstrations of responsibility and good judgment. They set clear standards for their children, monitor the limits they set, and encourage autonomy by providing ample decision-making power and space for engaging their own unique interests.

When kids misbehave, wise parents respond in ways that guide the developing person hidden underneath the monstrous mood or impulsive behavior. Disciplined parents are demanding without exerting psychological control and emotionally responsive without losing behavioral control. They explain the reasoning behind the rules, limits, and consequences they impose. This approach, known as inductive discipline, has been correlated in research with the development of prosocial behavior and more advanced moral reasoning skills. Children who receive this kind of discipline tend to become more assertive , socially responsible, self-regulated, and cooperative.

Children of democratic parents experience anxiety in response to stressors like the rest, yet it has been shown that often these children are more adaptable in the face of the stressors they encounter. Research has suggested that children of democratic parents are less likely to experience debilitating depression or anxiety, less likely to engage in socially aggressive behaviors, and less likely to use illegal substances. Disciplined parents also know intuitively what research bears out: that when they are more reprimanding of their children’s academic mistakes than emotionally supportive, their children are more likely to struggle with problem-solving processes and learning.

As we become disciplined in our parenting, we more effectively nurture social and academic competence, fuel development of moral decision-making faculties, and teach kids to live within healthy limits and tolerate reasonable controls, nurturing self-control and self-direction. Parents clear in their expectations and firm in enforcing consequences while remaining accessible, engaging in affection, and being emotionally responsive raise more confident, competent, and resilient children.