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25 Modern Love Essays to Read if You Want to Laugh, Cringe and Cry

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New to Modern Love? These 25 essays should provide a good introduction. You’ll find some of our most read and most shared of all time, and others that really got readers talking (and tweeting, and sharing). We present, in no particular order, the quirky, the profound, the head scratching and the heartbreaking. (A handful of these essays and dozens more of our most memorable columns can also be found in the recently published Modern Love anthology .)

To keep up on all things Modern Love — our weekly essays, podcast episodes and batches of Tiny Love Stories, along with other relationship-based reads from The Times — sign up for Love Letter , a weekly email. And check out the “Modern Love” television series , based on this column, on Amazon Prime Video.

1. No Sound, No Fury, No Marriage

After her peaceful marriage quietly dissolves, a woman comes to appreciate the vitality of conflict and confrontation.

2. Sometimes, It’s Not You , or the Math

He didn’t care that I was 39 and hadn’t had a serious boyfriend in eight years.

3. Am I Gay or Straight? Maybe This Fun Quiz Will Tell Me

A young woman seeks answers to her sexual orientation online, where the endless quizzes she takes deliver whatever label she wants.

4. First I Met My Children. Then My Girlfriend. They’re Related.

A former sperm donor, searching online, finds both offspring and love. 

5. What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage

I wanted — needed — to nudge my husband a little closer to perfect.

6. The 12-Hour Goodbye That Started Everything

A spurned woman confronts the question: When you lose love, should you even try to get over it?

7. During a Night of Casual Sex, Urgent Messages Go Unanswered

On one of the most consequential evenings of his life, a young man still finding himself wishes he had picked up the phone.

What happens if you decide that falling in love is not something that happens to you, but something that you do?

8. Let’s Meet Again in Five Years

They thought college was too soon for lifelong love, so they scheduled their next date for a little later — 60 months.

9. My Body Doesn’t Belong to You

A young woman who finds herself being catcalled, followed and grabbed at wonders why some men seem to think a female body is public property.

10. Making a Marriage Magically Tidy

At her husband’s suggestion (and with the wisdom of Marie Kondo), a recovering slob discovers the sexiness of cleanliness.

11. Loved and Lost? It’s O.K., Especially if You Win

It’s O.K. to fall deeply for one loser after another. It’s O.K. to show up at a guy’s house with a dozen roses and declare your undying affection.

12. To Stay Married, Embrace Change

It’s unrealistic to expect your spouse to forever remain the same person you fell in love with.

13. After 264 Haircuts, a Marriage Ends

He acknowledged he was gay and left his wife, but he kept returning home for their monthly ritual.

14. In the Waiting Room of Estranged Spouses

An ex-soldier, rocked by infidelity, finds hope in a chance meeting with a mother and her young son.

15. What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity

A divorced woman seeking no-strings-attached liaisons learns a sobering lesson about men and marriage.

16. Sharing a Cab, and My Toes

During a taxi ride home a co-worker makes a surprising request.

17. On Tinder, Off Sex

Living a life where secondary abstinence isn’t exactly a first choice.

18. No Labels, No Drama, Right?

The winner of the 2015 Modern Love college essay contest, who was then a sophomore at Columbia University, writes about her generation’s reluctance to define relationships.

19. Those Aren’t Fighting Words, Dear

“I don’t love you anymore,” my husband said, but I survived the sucker punch.

20. You May Want to Marry My Husband

After learning she doesn’t have long to live, a woman composes a dating profile for the man she will leave behind.

21. Somewhere Inside, a Path to Empathy

A man learns to deal with Asperger’s syndrome, with the help of his wife.

22. My Husband Is Now My Wife

He took the first step in becoming a woman: surgery to help his face look more feminine.

23. Would My Heart Outrun Its Pursuer?

How might a woman love the millstone I believed myself to be?

24. When Eve and Eve Bit the Apple

A Christian woman’s identity is challenged by her love for church and another woman.

25. To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This

Daniel Jones is the editor of Modern Love.

Modern Love can be reached at [email protected] .

Want more? Watch the trailer for the Modern Love TV show , coming to Amazon Prime Video on Oct. 18; read past Modern Love columns and Tiny Love Stories ; listen to the Modern Love Podcast on iTunes , Spotify or Google Play Music ; check out the updated anthology “ Modern Love: True Stories of Love, Loss, and Redemption ;” and follow Modern Love on Facebook .

DANIEL JONES

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The 8 Best 'Modern Love' Essays

Isn't it a fantastic feeling when you stumble upon a column that makes you think, "I can't believe I survived without these stories in my life"? Ever since I read my first New York Times "Modern Love" essay, I was hooked by the series' concept of meditations on connection. The New York Times began publishing essays on the subject, written exclusively by NYT readers, in 2004. However, the series has experienced an upswing in popularity in recent months. This is mostly due to the excellently-produced Modern Love podcast (from WBUR) that's been around since January of this year. In each episode, a talented actor brings a favorite "Modern Love" article to life . Listening to an episode is a great way to freshen up your commute, or provide a soundtrack to your afternoon walk.

But with all these essays, podcasts, and even a Modern Love: 50 True and Extraordinary Tales book out there, I sometimes feel like there's an embarrassment of riches when it comes to "Modern Love." How on earth am I supposed to pick the best stories? Since I know I'm not the only one with this problem, I dug into the "Modern Love" archives from the past three years and picked eight of my favorite stories from 2014-2016. Whether you're a newcomer to the series or you've been a longtime fan, you'll enjoy this assortment of essays on all kinds of unlikely love.

1. Just One Last Swirl Around the Bowl

Dave Barry, the Pulitzer Prize-winning reporter and author of the New York Times' "This Land" column , wrote this essay about his daughter's dying fish. One of the few Modern Love pieces that isn't about romantic love, the essay explores his memories of his parents' deaths, and how he tried to care for them as best as he knew how during their final days. While his daughter comes to terms with the fish's imminent death, Barry, too, reflects on what it means to watch someone you love die.

You can also listen to Jason Alexander read this on the Modern Love podcast , and he does a bang-up job.

2. All Twisted Up by Genderbending

Delacey Skinner doesn't know what to think when she discovers that her ex-boyfriend is dating a trans woman. This information causes Skinner to question her own identity as a woman. She's never felt particularly comfortable in her femininity, so what does it mean that her ex now has a relationship with someone who presents herself as far more traditionally feminine than Skinner herself ever has? Skinner's essay is a poignant and thought-provoking take on gender identity.

3. Putting Love to the Stress Test

What happens when you meet a person so scarily similar to yourself that you assume something has to go wrong? In this essay, Jasmine Jaksic signs up for OkCupid and finds a man who's answered almost every question on the site in the same way as her. Since she and her new beau are both software developers, they decide to implement a real-life version of the "stress test," which is the practice of testing a computer program to its limits. What Jaksic discovers during the four weeks of their stress test changes the way she thinks about the necessities of a relationship.

4. Sharing a Cab, and My Toes

After abandoning her life as an academic, Julia Anne Miller fulfills her decades-long dream of moving to New York City. While working as a writer for a test-prep company, she sets out to explore the city. Each of her coworkers nurses an artistic dream, and the test-prep job is only a way to pay the bills. Miller's dream: to perform. One night, she shares a cab ride home with a coworker, leading to a bizarre sexual experience. This forms the basis of her eloquent meditation on what it means to get what you want.

5. One Bouquet of Fleeting Beauty, Please

This stunning and lyrical essay will make you smell tulips and lilies as you're reading. Written by Alisha Gorder, it tells the story of Gorder's time at a floral shop, arranging and selling bouquets to people trying to communicate with their loved ones through flowers. People often send commonplace messages with their bouquets, such as "Happy Birthday" (H.B.), "Happy Anniversary" (H.A.), and "Thinking of You" (T.O.Y.). But sometimes, what they're trying to say isn't so simple. Gorder weaves those anecdotes into the fabric of her own life: when she was 18, her boyfriend of two years killed himself, and she was forced to learn an agonizing lesson about love.

6. One Thousand and One Nights of Laundry

Wendy Rasmussen, the author of this melancholy reflection on love and loss, married an Iraqi refugee and then divorced him. Her essay captures an episode of her life in which she went to his house with their sons to do laundry, since she didn't have a working laundry machine. One night, her drunk ex-husband told her a story about escaping from Iraq by crossing the Saudi Arabian deserts, and about the man he left behind in the sand. Rasmussen's essay is subtle, but evocative, and it's a read you won't forget.

7. Finding My Own Rescuer

Anna March brings us this story about the love of her life, a man disabled in a car accident when he was 16. Though he has to use a wheelchair, Adam is anything but helpless: he can cook, walk the dogs, and drive, and he helps keep March's life in order when they move in together. But their new house has more than one story, and while they're waiting for the proper ramps to be installed, the tables turn in their relationship. Now March is the one caring for him - and she doesn't know if she's up to the task.

8. No Labels, No Drama, Right?

This is the essay that made me start following "Modern Love" - mostly because I've seen the exact same story play out in my friends' lives so many times. The author, Jordana Narin, writes about the man who occupied the space between friend and boyfriend for so long that she hardly knew how to handle her relationship with him - especially because, as a Millennial and college student, she didn't know how to admit her feelings. If you've tried to navigate the muddy waters of hookup culture, this is an essay that will resonate with you.

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7 “Modern Love” Essays You Need to Read

The beloved New York Times column, “Modern Love,” has been publishing weekly essays for 15 years. The personal writings deal with heartbreak, revelations and feelings…all in 1,800 words or less. It’s grown into a book, a podcast and, most recently, a TV show. 

Love can take place between significant others, friends, family, pets, or even one’s own self, which the column tries to emphasize. So, this Valentine’s Day, treat yourself to reading about someone else’s love. Here are our picks for seven “must read” entries:

It’s a tale about a drawn-out break-up and the fall out that resulted. For anyone who feels as though the hurt might never end after a devastating goodbye, this is the one for you. 

“I’m not sure if we fall in love with people or if we fall in love with the way they make us feel, the ways they expand who we are and wish to be.” ​

A story within a story within a story, this is all about missed loves and connections rekindled after years. It’s equally heartbreaking and warming – perfect for complicated Valentine’s feels. 

“I found him by accident, doing research on theater companies for my last novel. There he was above his too-common name. I composed the email: ‘Are you the same man who stood me up in Paris?’” ​

Take caution: you’ll need a box of tissues for this one. Sometimes the things we love are forever tainted by a traumatic situation. How we move on is an ever-evolving journey. 

“It is difficult to hide from the Beatles. After all these years they are still regularly in the news. Their songs play on oldies stations, countdowns, and best-ofs…but hide from the Beatles I must.” ​

Not often are love stories about elderly couples told. In this gorgeously written piece, two people find a love to end their lives with and compare it to the loves they’ve had before. 

“Old love is different. In our 70s and 80s, we had been through enough of life’s ups and downs to know who we were, and we had learned to compromise. We knew something about death because we had seen loved ones die. The finish line was drawing closer. Why not have one last blossoming of the heart?”

In one of the most shared ML columns ever, a wife searches for new ways to deal with the human flaws that appear throughout a marriage. It’s a sweet, hilarious look at how we can learn to co-exist, while also checking our own shortcomings. 

“After two years of exotic animal training, my marriage is far smoother, my husband much easier to love.” ​

What does it mean to have a relationship without a label? Does the concept lend itself to more heartbreak than we might be admitting? This is the essay for all of us broken-hearted over someone we never actually dated. 

“We aren’t supposed to want anything serious; not now, anyway. But a void is created when we refrain from telling it like it is, from allowing ourselves to feel how we feel. And in that unoccupied space, we’re dangerously free to create our own realities.”

Finally, the essay that made us cry for days. The writer is penning a letter to her husband’s future love, as she is dying from terminal cancer. It’s a touching and unbearably sweet tribute to a love that lasts – in life and in death. Bonus, a year after the author’s death, her husband wrote the followup, “My Wife Said You May Want to Marry Me.”

“I need to say this (and say it right) while I have a) your attention, and b) a pulse. I have been married to the most extraordinary man for 26 years. I was planning on at least another 26 together.”

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Writing Your Modern Love 

Tips and tricks for a passionate, publishable modern love, despite being by far the most popular personal essay column in the world — spawning countless memoirs, a tv show, and a popular podcast — the nyt’s weekly modern love column is one of the writing world’s only true meritocracies . the editor, dan jones, definitely doesn’t care who you are — he just wants the best story, told in the best way possible., writing a modern love does not need to be incredibly difficult, either. i probably spent 10 hours on mine. and if you publish one, it will change your life., how this class works.

In preparing for this self-guided class, it has become clear to me that the most important job for a writer who wants to write a Modern Love column is figuring out WHAT to write about.

Yes, the writing and editing of the column is important, but choosing the right material is by far the most important step.

With that in mind, this class puts extra focus on finding and assessing your story ideas.

Students are eligible for a discounted half-hour meeting with Peter Mountford to discuss their ideas.

The Modern Love Column is more approachable than it seems

Everything you need to crack into the NYT's Modern Love column , which remains the most widely read personal essay column in the world, spawning numerous books, a TV show, and a very popular podcast. Because of its popularity, the Modern Love remains a dream publication for many writers who want to share their stories of love.

Time to Enroll

Writing your modern love, tips & tricks for a passionate, publishable essay,.

This self-guided class is the product of months and months of studying the Modern Love column. Designed by by novelist — and Modern Love contributor — Peter Mountford, the class uses as many suggestions directly from Dan Jones as possible. It also draws on Mountford's experience helping dozens of writers with their Modern Loves, some of whom have gone on to publish in the column.

LIMITED TIME OFFER: Register for Writing Your Modern Love, and get $35 off registration for Peter's Advanced Personal Essay class.

Learn more about Peter's coaching and other classes

In addition to his new self guided classes, peter offers in-person and online workshops, mentoring (coaching and developmental editing), and more....

Advanced Personal Essay

Three times a year Peter offers a popular 10-week asynchronous (only one meeting) advanced personal essay class. You'll get feedback from Peter and classmates, and emerge with publishable essays. Learn more HERE .

One-on-One Mentorship

Peter is a popular writing coach and developmental editor, who has worked with hundreds of clients, many of whom have gone on to publish widely (including multiple NYT bestsellers). To learn more, click HERE .

Advanced Yearlong Classes

Every fall Peter offers one or two 30-session advanced yearlong classes. These classes help foster accountability, and community. Available by application, to learn more or to put your name forward, pleaseclick HERE .

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How to Successfully Submit to Modern Love NYT Submissions

Reaching out to Modern Love at the New York Times can feel like a Herculean task, doesn’t it? Trust me, you’re not alone in these jittery feelings. Wrestling with those same doubts, I unearthed the essentials for crafting an essay that stands out.

This blog is your guide to navigating the submission process with ease, sprinkled with insider tips that will make your story shine. Let’s dive in together!

Table of Contents

Key Takeaways

• Follow the Modern Love submission guidelines on The New York Times website, keeping your essay between 1,500-1,700 words . Share true experiences about love and relationships .
• Use your email’s subject line wisely by including the topic or a potential title of your essay to grab an editor’s attention quickly.
• Focus on modern relationships in your essay, bringing personal stories to life with vivid descriptions and dialogue to engage readers and editors alike.
• Expect a response within 6 months after submitting your work through the specified process on The New York Times Modern Love page without any notifications until a decision is reached.
• Submitting to Modern Love presents an opportunity for wide exposure in The New York Times and could add credibility to your writing portfolio.

How to Submit Your Essay to Modern Love

Submit your essay to Modern Love by following the submission guidelines and adhering to the length requirements. Craft a strong submission by focusing on a modern relationship, using personal anecdotes, and incorporating storytelling techniques.

Submission guidelines

Check the Modern Love page on The New York Times website for all you need to know about submission guidelines. Make sure your essay tells a personal story about love and relationships today.

Your words should reflect true experiences that touch hearts and provoke thoughts. Submit your work by sending it to [email protected] , but first, ensure your essay is within 1,500-1,700 words .

Put the subject of your essay or a possible title in the email’s subject line to catch an editor’s eye. Following these steps closely increases your chances of catching the attention of Dan Jones , the column’s editor who sifts through around 8,000 submissions each year.

Next up: understanding how long your submission should be will take you closer to publication.

Length requirements

Essays for Modern Love should be 1,500-1,700 words long . The length of your essay is vital to meeting the submission guidelines. Remember that your story needs to fit within this word range so you can captivate the readers and make an impact.

This ensures that your work aligns with the expectations of the column’s editor Dan Jones and has a chance at being considered for publication in The New York Times . Understanding these requirements will help set your submission up for success.

Moving on to “Email subject line”..

Email subject line

When submitting to Modern Love, use the essay’s subject or a possible title in the email subject line . This helps editors understand your submission and categorize it correctly. For example, “ Modern Love Submission : My Unconventional Romance” lets them know what to expect when they open your email.

Remember, a clear and catchy subject line can make your submission stand out among the thousands they receive each year.

Tips for Crafting a Strong Submission

Crafting a strong submission requires focusing on modern relationships and using personal anecdotes. Incorporate storytelling techniques to make your essay compelling.

Focus on a modern relationship

When crafting your Modern Love submission, make sure to focus on contemporary relationships , marriage, and dating. Use personal anecdotes to illustrate the complexities of modern love while incorporating storytelling techniques to captivate the readers.

Emphasize the ever-evolving nature of relationships in today’s world through your narrative.

The next section will cover more tips for creating a compelling submission that resonates with the editors at Modern Love.

Use personal anecdotes

Craft your essay with personal anecdotes to bring authenticity and connection to your writing. Share specific experiences that highlight the emotions, challenges, and growth within modern relationships.

These real-life stories can make your submission relatable and engaging for readers, enhancing the impact of your message. Incorporating personal narratives will elevate the depth and resonance of your essay, making it more compelling for consideration by Modern Love editors.

Incorporate storytelling techniques

When crafting a Modern Love submission, consider using personal anecdotes to bring your relationship experiences to life. Utilize storytelling techniques such as vivid descriptions and engaging dialogue to captivate the reader’s attention.

By incorporating these elements, you can create a compelling narrative that resonates with the Modern Love audience.

The Submission Process

Submitting to Modern Love is an exciting opportunity. Read more for details on the submission process.

How to submit through the New York Times website

To submit through the New York Times website:

• Visit The New York Times Modern Love page .
• Click on “Submit an Essay for Consideration.”
• Fill out the required information accurately .
• Attach your essay as specified (1,500 – 1,700 words).
• Review and adhere to the official submission guidelines.
• Submit your essay and await a response from the editors .

Response time and notifications

After submitting your essay to Modern Love, expect a response within 6 months . The submission process does not provide notifications until the final decision is made. Keep an eye on your email for a response from Dan Jones, the column’s editor and be patient throughout this period of waiting.

Consider submitting your love story to Modern Love and don’t miss out on this publication opportunity.

Benefits of submitting to Modern Love

Submitting to Modern Love offers the chance for my love stories and personal essays to be seen by a large audience through The New York Times . There’s also potential recognition and credibility from being published in such a prestigious literary magazine , which writers like me certainly desire.

Encouragement to submit

Don’t hesitate to submit your essay to Modern Love. The editors are eager for fresh and authentic stories like yours. You could be one of the lucky writers chosen from the 8,000 submissions received each year.

Your personal narrative about modern relationships is valuable and could resonate with countless readers . Submit now to share your unique voice with a wide audience and join the ranks of successful Modern Love contributors.

Unlock the opportunity to see your work published in one of the most prominent platforms for relationship essays by submitting today!

Victoria Sterling is a seasoned author and publishing consultant dedicated to empowering writers on their journey to success. With over two decades of experience in the publishing industry, Victoria provides invaluable guidance and support to writers, helping them navigate the complexities of publishing and achieve their literary dreams. Through her expertise and passion for storytelling, Victoria inspires writers to unleash their creativity and thrive in the ever-evolving world of publishing.

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The New York Times

Questions/answers | q & a: modern love, q & a: modern love.

My name is Daniel Jones; I edit the Modern Love column in Sunday Styles. Since the column launched in October 2004, we have published nearly 120 personal essays covering a wide range of relationship experience: marriage, death, divorce, parenthood, dating. From a high school student in Seattle to a grandfather in Albany, these writers explore the complexities of love in all its forms, often through a contemporary lens.

Their stories can be funny ( “Men Don’t Care About Weddings? Groomzilla is Hurt,” about the trials of a controlling but out-of-control groom-to-be), devastatingly sad ( “Now I Need a Place to Hide Away,” about a mother who loses her 5-year-old daughter), or even full of practical advice ( “What Shamu Taught Me About A Happy Marriage,” about a wife who uses exotic animal training techniques on her husband).

Essays that appear are selected from the hundreds we receive every month and subjected to a rigorous editorial process. The best essays from the column’s first 18 months are collected in the book “Modern Love: 50 True and Extraordinary Tales of Desire, Deceit and Devotion,” recently published by Three Rivers Press.

I am happy for this opportunity to listen to your views, answer your questions about the editorial workings of Modern Love, comment on trends in contemporary relationships (I’ll try), and perhaps provide an editor’s perspective on some of the more provocative or broadly resonant stories we have run. [NOTE: Questions are no longer being accepted for this Q & A.]

Comments are no longer being accepted.

I love this column – I wait for it every week. I think it is really interesting to see how we find love and how we lose it. Sometimes it takes a lot of fortitude to write these stories – and I am sure that the act of writing them helps the authors deal with the pain – which is present in a lot of them. It also helps those of us reading to know that we aren’t going through love alone – and that others share our pain and joy.

How did you find the illustrator, David Chelsea and how did you go about choosing him to do the artwork for the column? What is the editing process each week as far as the graphics are concerned, does Mr. Chelsea show you sketches or talk to you about ideas ahead of time? Were you aquainted with his ironically titled comic book, “David Chelsea in Love?” He is a fine artist and adapts quite well to each piece.

where can I find comments on previous columns?

Oops . . . I believe the Ann Hood piece is titled “Now I Need A Place To Hide Away.” The title references a Beatles song, as Ms. Hood’s daughter was a Fab Four fan. What a beautiful, heartbreaking essay. Thanks for bringing it to us.

Modern Love is the best part of the Sunday Style section, which is otherwise filled mostly with dross, in my humble opinion. My personal favorite column remains “I’m With the Band,” which described a wife’s reaction to her husband’s late-blooming avocation as a rock ‘n’ roll musician. More importantly, I think Modern Love effectively counters the religiousity prevailing in this country that suggests there is only one way to love or one way to have a family. Moderen Love effectively captures the multi-faceted, messy, painful, and honorable ways we humans interact. Keep up the good work.

John, Thank you for your question. Although I am responsible for the editing of the essays each week, the Style editor, Trip Gabriel, oversees the other elements, including the illustration, headline, copy editing, and layout. As it happens, he is also answering reader questions today – all week, in fact – just down a bit on the home page. Feel free to run this question by him. I too admire David Chelsea’s brilliant work and am thrilled that he illustrates the column. -Daniel Jones

As a twice-married twice-divorced woman, I feel emotionally well-suited to comment as a veteran on matrimony. Marriage in America is to love as laxatives are to constipation. Something that makes everyhing flow much easier. Communities do not teach classes in how to marriages successful. It is only when you’re in trouble do couples or individuals seek help. Friends are ill-disposed to offer credible advice. Theirs is often based on marriage wars often more lost than won. This counsel is loaded with past hurts and guilt. If we could only prepare prospective partners with te requisite skills for successful marriages: good listening skills, the ability to play well with others, taking turns, consideration, cooperation. Marriage is an institution, legal iniits construct. We need to make it more human and malleable than it’s now constituted. If not, we make love more difficult to enshrine.

I look forward to the column each week.

Would you be willing to share some of the most valuable lessons you have garnered from the column?

How does one go about submitting an essay for this column? Is it an open submission?

I ran across what I thought was an excellent question for the editor, from Pandagon , in which she takes issue with a recent Modern Love essay. The essay was from Ashley Cross, about falling for a guy accused of rape.

The question, posed more provocatively than I would have done, is: Why is the NY Times publishing disingenuous apologies for rape?

You are the editor. What did you have in mind?

Obviously I know that the NY Times (and particularly the Style section) has a certain readership that you must be trying to appeal to. Still, the column strikes me as incredibly white, incredibly ipper-middle-class, and as such tends to describe a fairly narrow range of subjects, issues, and emotions. I remember a column on a black woman who’s date didn’t understand her identity politics, and I applaud you for publishing it. I only wish that the modern love that’s supposed to be portrayed in this column were a little more broadly applicable. I’m sure there are a number of readers who simply don’t see themselves as having access to the type of love written about here, because they don’t seem themselves represented.

You recently published a column by Ashley Cross titled “I Fell For a Man Who Wore an Electronic Ankle Bracelet.” Although the piece focused on Cross’s own experience, it also contained her recounting, in some detail, of events surrounding the sexual assault of another woman whom Cross had never met. I’m sure this situation does not often arise in the “Modern Love” section, and that guidelines as with a News or Op-Ed piece do not apply. However, was/is there any thought given to checking the historical accuracy of the writer’s comments or editing the piece to focus less on a thirdhand account of someone else’s sexual assault? Cross’s boyfriend was prosecuted in a court case and there is therefore a public record that differs hugely from her characterization of events. The column appeared widely in blogs after publication and re-ignited what must be a painful topic for both the perpetrator and the victim of a serious crime.

Regarding “trends in contemporary relationships.”

Here’s the scene. A large, upscale hotel lobby in (very liberal) Boulder, Colorado. An attractive couple, enjoying a glass of wine while cuddling on a lobby sofa. His arm around her, her hand placed affectionately on his chest. Fifteen feet away, my boyfriend and I are also enjoying a drink. It’s a beautiful late afternoon, we can see the sun setting over the mountains.

Question – why, in today’s society and given our very liberal location, do we still consider it “pushing the envelope” for us to hold hands in this situation? We fit in this setting as easily as the straight couple, yet if we’re anyplace other than a “gay ghetto,” public displays of affection feel daring. Our straight allies (and those who would deny us rights, for that matter) should see that we’re not too much different than them. Isn’t this the way for gay Americans to gain full equality? Or, should we stay at the “back of the bus” and take what we’re given?

I love the column. Have you considered publishing a collection of the essays? I’d buy it.

You published a tell-all column by a cousin of mine that had some dubious allegations about her father, who was dead and couldn’t defend himself. It also wasn’t tell-all, since it would have never been sent to you in the first place if the whole story about her family had to be told. What safeguards are you going to put in place to prevent dissembling about family quarrels and nasty divorces in the future.

Did you have any idea the Shamu essay would be so popular?

I too, am a huge fan of Modern Love, and really enjoyed your “love overview” last Sunday. You know so much about relationships. I look forward to reading your new anthology. I am taking Sue Shapiro’s journalism class at the New School, and we talked about your column in class last night. Actually, I had written a humorous essay about the insanity of life in NYC vs life in the country- wanted to send it to you. Sue said your column isn’t the right place. She suggested Escapes or the Regional section. I live in Rockland and the country I talk about in my piece is Columbia County. Could I get your opinion on this? Would you mind telling me who you think I could contact? Thanks!

I love this column. I save the styles section for second to last in my sunday reading. The arts section retains in prominent place as last read.

How far ahed do you choose the pieces? Do you arrange the pieces in any emotional order or do you choose the selected pieces at random from the lot of available ones?

There was one story, author dated a married a man who was in priison. My utter abhorrence was more visceral than I have ever had…I researched her e-mail and sent a polite note about my searing repugnance of her choices.

Keep up the good work

Could I try to submit something to Modern Love?

I look forward each Sunday to Modern Love. I appreciate the heart-felt stories of people trying to find an answer to the question: what is love.

I would like to know if editing the column has changed any of your previous notions about love and relationships?

Love, as elusive as a snow flake from the sky, even as elusive as grasping on to God. At 50, she still plays her hide and seek with me, and I continue to passionately pursue her, only to grasp on to shrouds of words, stories, thoughts, people, and self. Does anyone really, on a fundamental basis know what love is outside their own little domain of life? I have known loss of love via parents and siblings untimely death, but loss is not love itself. Is love a feeling that runs our engines? My question is this, do you truly believe that “love” has ever changed throughout the centuries to come down to this thing called modern love? Love is like a outstanding Turner landscape “timeless” and “etheral.” It is all the wonderful deeply profound relationships which transcends all space, time and linear understanding. So what is really is the meaning of modern love??

Love at times seems like the ache of possibility, the arc life, the sorrow of loss, all inextricably woven, for each of us, into a dense fabric we call life.

What have these articles taught you about the role and perhaps necessity of love in the affairs of man and woman…

Thanks….

I love the column. How well researched or backgrounded are the authors and their stories?

I think marriage is one of those things men can do to prove that they really care about their women. But it’s really a woman thing. I think there is still love out there but one should not look on love to keep a relationship alive. Sometimes love is not enough. Too bad!

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First Lines of Rejected “Modern Love” Essays

Modern Love is a weekly column, a book, a podcast—and now, in its 16th year, a television show—about relationships, feelings, betrayals and revelations. — The Times.

My husband and I don’t text, we don’t talk, we don’t live together, I don’t know where he lives (I have my guesses), and we’ve never been more in modern love.

The vows wrote themselves, pouring from my ballpoint pen like milk being poured from a gallon of milk.

At the top of Machu Picchu, as the woman I would one day call my wife vomited up the engagement ring I’d hidden in her Nalgene, I caught a glimpse of God’s plan.

I asked Sally to watch “When Harry Met Sally” with me on our third date. My name isn’t Harry—it’s Henry—but it would have been very cool if it were Harry.

It felt right when I swiped right, but when he left I wished that I had swiped in the other direction (left).

The charcuterie board was covered with meats, cheeses, and a dog-eared letter from my late great-grandfather.

First, he stole my identity. Then he stole my heart.

In this “Modern Love” essay, I will argue that, although my ex cheated on me with my best friend, I share blame for the demise of our relationship, insofar as I could not successfully articulate my emotional wants, needs, and feelings in a concise, productive way during the relationship.

When I met Sally, I asked if she’d seen “When Harry Met Sally.” She had. I hadn’t. My name is Brian.

“What is love? Baby, don’t hurt me,” Haddaway sang over the hospital loudspeakers as a baby named Haddaway hurt me during a scheduled C-section.

I’m Christian. My husband is Jewish. We’re getting a Buddhist divorce.

Of all the Etsy shops in all the towns in all the world, she bought used baby shoes from mine.

I called No. 54 at the D.M.V. where I work. The next day, No. 54 called my number.

Men always ask me to watch “When Harry Met Sally” because my name is Sally, but they’re never named Harry, so they’re not as clever as they think.

Everything on my wedding day was picture perfect—it’s how I knew that something was horribly wrong.

Love is like a box of chocolates, in that I like both of those things.

In rural Alabama, where coyotes holler and jug bands play, “I love you”s are rarer than routine medical care.

The dick pic looked familiar, as if I’d seen it in a dream; then it dawned on me that it was a picture of my own penis.

When you realize you don’t want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible, Sally.

I didn’t know love until I gave birth and fell in modern love with the obstetrician. ♦

Chip on Your Shoulder

Craft lessons from writing coach chip scanlan, modern love: cracking the personal essay formula.

The “ Modern Love ” column is one of the most popular New York Times features and a much sought-after credit for freelancers. Attaining that goal isn’t easy. Just one out of every 100 “viable essays:- “meaning essays that are reasonably well written and targeted to the column” are chosen for publication, says its editor Daniel Jones.

“Modern Love” is not just a writer’s prize. It’s the personal essay in its purest form, universal stories of “love, loss and redemption” told with uncommon skill and grace.

 On Twitter, Facebook and Q&A, Jones has generously shared the requirements he’s established for serious consideration. Writer Laura Copeland has tracked these down and generously collected them in a Google Doc. 

I was thrilled when I found this resource. I’m a huge fan of the personal essay, having published several over the years. I’ve taught it in numerous seminars, helping shepherd many into publications, and persuaded teachers to add the assignment to their curriculums. Jones’s observations and recommendations constitute a master class, rich with advice, much of it applicable no matter what form or genre you work in. It’s worth your attention but as it’s long, I’ll present a sampling here and recommend you read all of Jones’ good advice, linked below.

Remember why people read stories

“To find out what happens,” Jones says.

“Don’t underestimate the power of a reader’s curiosity, whether you’re writing a short story or a personal essay. Too often people give everything away at the start. In newspaper articles, you’re supposed to put all the important information at the top, right?”

Modern Love essays, like good fiction and narrative nonfiction, should unfold “a dramatic arc, with mystery and surprise. If the surprise in your story is the fact that your unlikely relationship led to marriage, don’t say in the first line: “I met my future wife at a cocktail party…” 

Be generous with the reader…..but GRADUALLY.

Cliche alert

In the many essays Jones reads every month, the same words, phrases “or stylistic tics” appear again. In other words, the worn-out use of cliches. They’re not just annoying, “they signal trouble with the writing to come.”  Ever use any of these? Don’t if you want to avoid rejection.

• I’ll never forget
• I’ll always remember
• If I had to do it all over again
• A. Sentence. With. A. Period. After. Every. Word.
• I curled up in a fetal position
• I curled up with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s

Submission guidelines

If you’re prone to touting the power of your essay, “describing its plotline or listing your degrees and writing credits” in a cover lettter, don’t bother, Jones says. “I pay little attention to someone’s writing background when I read an essay. I don’t even have time to read a cover note that’s more than two sentences long…I judge a submission solely on the writing before me.” A perfectly suitable cover note will say nothing more than: “I wrote this essay with your column in mind. I hope you enjoy it.”

More than one at a time:  

When I started freelancing in the 1970s, simultaneous submissions were frowned upon. The North American Review said it would never again consider a writer who sent a story to another publication. It was unfair. Writers could wait months for a reply only to get a rejection and have to start over. Considerate editors like Jones no longer have a problem with writers sending their essays to places other than the Times . With that in mind, I recently submitted a short story to a dozen publications.

But if you’re lucky enough to get accepted, let the other editors know immediately. There’a chance they’ll be impressed and look for your work in the future. One thing is certain, if you wait and waste their time they going to be “really annoyed.”

When the answer is No

Rejections hurt with any story, but hearing no about your personal essay has a special sting.”You may feel like it’d you being rejected,” says Jones, who’s been on the receiving end, too. What you may not know is that the editors are looking for a different mix, a fresh voice, a compelling angle,  or heeding a suggestion to shift topics from their boss. As someone who once considered laminating his desk with rejection slips, I find his bottom line comforting: “There is no bar of quality to clear that then ensures publication in any particular column. Other factors will always be in play, and you can’t know what those are, so try not to let any one rejection paralyze you or even set you back.”

  Further reading

Jones recommends two books for those interested in mastering the personal essay::“ The Situation and the Story: The Art of Personal Narrative  ”by Vivian Gornick and “ Good Prose: The Art of Nonfiction ” by Tracy Kidder and Kidder’s longtime editor, Richard Todd.

For models you can study, Jones has edited “ Modern Love: True Stories of Love, Loss and Redemption .”

You can read Copeland’s entire compilation here . 

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How to Get Your Story Published in the New York Times Modern Love Column

Introduction to Writing for Modern Love:

The New York Times Modern Love column is a weekly series that features stories about relationships, feelings, betrayal, and revelations. It is one of the most widely read columns in the paper and has been a beloved staple for readers for many years. If you’ve ever wanted to write for The New York Times , submitting a story to Modern Love is one of the best ways to do it. Here’s how to write and pitch your piece.

Writing Your Piece for Modern Love

The first step in getting your work published in Modern Love is writing your story (you can write about your ex or write about true love ; you could even write about your family ). Remember that this column focuses on relationships and personal reflections, so use that as your inspiration when coming up with ideas.

Once you know what to write about, begin drafting your story. Keep it short—Modern Love essays usually range from 500-1,200 words—and make sure to focus on vivid details that bring your piece to life.

The essay should be honest and true while still entertaining and engaging. And don’t forget to make sure you’re following all the submission guidelines!

Pitching Your Piece to The New York Times

Once you’ve written your piece, it’s time to pitch it!

To do this, go to the Modern Love page on The New York Times website and click “Submit an Essay for Consideration” at the bottom. From there, fill out all necessary information (including a brief but compelling description of your essay) before submitting it directly through The New York Times website or emailing [email protected] with “Submission Attached” in the subject line.

Make sure all information is accurate and complete before submitting it—this will help ensure that your essay gets seen by an editor more quickly!

20 Modern Love Prompts

• The story of how I met my partner and the twists and turns our relationship took.
• The moment I realized I had been in an emotionally abusive relationship.
• The journey of learning to trust again after being betrayed by a loved one.
• The difficulties of maintaining a relationship while dealing with a chronic illness.
• The unexpected love that developed between two people who initially disliked each other.
• The decision to open up a relationship and the challenges that came with it.
• The story of falling in love with someone from a different culture and how it affected our relationship.
• The journey of rebuilding a relationship after infidelity.
• The realization that I was in a codependent relationship and the steps I took to change it.
• The story of falling in love with someone who was initially just a friend.
• The moment I realized I was in love with my best friend.
• The day I found out my partner had been cheating on me.
• The decision to end a long-term relationship because of differences in values.
• The journey of learning to love myself after a toxic relationship.
• The unexpected love that blossomed between two coworkers.
• The challenges of navigating a long distance relationship.
• The moment I realized I was gay and how it affected my relationship with my family.
• The realization that my partner and I had grown apart over the years.
• The unexpected joy of falling in love again after heartbreak.
• The realization that my relationship with my parents had changed and how we learned to navigate it.

Tips on How to Write and Pitch your Piece:

• Start by reading the column regularly. Familiarizing yourself with the tone and style of Modern Love will help you get a better sense of what they are looking for in a piece.
• Think about your story. What about your relationship, feelings, betrayals, or revelations makes it unique and interesting to readers? How can you convey your story compellingly and honestly?
• Write a strong and concise pitch. Your pitch should include a brief summary of your story, your credentials as a writer, and why you think your story would be a good fit for Modern Love. Keep your pitch to around 250-300 words.
• Follow the submission guidelines. Read and follow the submission guidelines on the Modern Love website. This includes guidelines on length, formatting, and how to submit your pitch.
• Be patient. The Modern Love column receives a high volume of submissions, so it may take some time for them to review and respond to your pitch. Don't get discouraged if you don't hear back immediately, and consider submitting your pitch to other publications as well.

How to Submit Your Piece

Modern Love has two submission periods, September through December and March through June.

Send submissions to: [email protected] . Please put the subject of your essay or a possible title in the email subject line.

Limit your essay to 1,500-1,700 words.

Attach your essay as a Microsoft Word-compatible doc and paste the text into the body of the email. If your first submission is incomplete, please resubmit one complete entry; do not submit just the missing pieces in additional emails.

Essays must be entirely true. Do not use pseudonyms (including for yourself), composite characters or invented situations or scenes. There are no exceptions to this rule.

Essays must be previously unpublished. Work that has appeared online — on another news website, a personal blog, Medium or elsewhere — is considered previously published.

Essays will be edited in consultation with writers, and writers will be compensated for work that is published.

Getting published in The New York Times can be incredibly rewarding—especially if it's in their beloved weekly series Modern Love! Writing compelling pieces and pitching them properly are important steps in getting noticed by editors at The New York Times ; following these steps can increase your chances of having your work seen by them. Whether you're a seasoned writer or just starting out, writing for Modern Love is always an amazing experience that can give you great satisfaction once published!

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How to get published.

How to Get Published in Modern Love, McSweeney’s or Anywhere Else You Want

Today’s post is by Allison K Williams ( @GuerillaMemoir ).

Recently, a writer on Twitter bemoaned yet another rejection from a place they very much wanted to be published. A string of kind responses urged:

Just keep trying. Publishing’s a numbers game. Send out more submissions right away!

Kind, yes. Helpful? No.

They aren’t exactly platitudes—getting published in general is indeed a numbers game, requiring persistence and fortitude.

But getting published in a particular venue doesn’t happen by pulling up your socks for another try. Magazines, newspapers and websites are not interested in your perseverance. They are interested in your excellent, targeted writing that suits their audience and fits their voice. Whether you’re aiming for The New York Times, McSweeney’s, or Parents magazine, you must research and analyze what they already publish.

Sometimes you don’t even have to write the essay before selling it. Commercial essays, articles and 0p-eds often sell with a pitch—a short (short!) email addressing three simple questions: Why Now? Why Here? Why Me?

What’s culturally relevant about your personal story? Often, that’s the difference between the past and the present.

Last New Year’s, on my fifth glass of champagne, I was still rationalizing that I wasn’t really an alcoholic.

My dad, an alcoholic, always called St. Patrick’s Day, “Amateur Night.” As March 17 approaches, I’m already buying bottles of sparkling cider and soft lemonade.

Cultural relevance also means figuring out who cares right now. Does your story tie into a recent political speech, incident on live TV, or bestselling book? When you’re on your soapbox, what are you responding to or in dialogue with?

What makes this website, magazine or NPR station an ideal venue for your work? Researching their audience helps you make that case. Look at their ads—are they targeting consumers of McDonalds, Mercedes-Benz or Medic-Alert bracelets? Specific demographic information is often linked way down on the bottom of the magazine’s website. Look for “Media Kit” or “Advertise with us”—the venue compiles their own data so potential ad buyers know who exactly they’ll be reaching.

Why are you the best person to write this piece? What in your personal experience makes you an “expert” in this topic, whether that’s surviving a bad drug trip or getting your kid to eat their peas?

Boiling down those three key points into 100-200 words also show you understand the magazine’s voice and tone isn’t easy—but it’s a skill that can be learned and practiced.

Literary media outlets usually consider only finished essays, but that requires specific targeting, too. For creative nonfiction, the most successful submissions very closely fit the tone and structure of what’s already published. It’s easier for editors to imagine publishing your work when they can feel how your essay fits their mission.

The New York Times Modern Love column is notable for the number of writers who have gotten memoir deals from their essays there. Modern Love has very clear guidelines. The essays are about “modern” love—some element in the story didn’t exist 20-50 years ago. They want submissions of 1500-1700 words. Most writers can follow those requirements.

But look deeper. Consult this list of Modern Love essays by topic and cross-reference chronologically. Has your topic been done in the last 3 years? Find another angle. Read all the previous essays in your category. Does your story seem too much like one already published? How is your angle new?

Do some literary analysis (which sounds terribly MFA-snobby, but it’s not hard). Notice that nearly all Modern Love essays start “in scene.” That is, we’re in the present, with the narrator, at a moment of action or crisis. Then the narrator loops back to the past, showing how they ended up in that moment. Then they move forward in time from the opening scene; what happened next? How did they come to realize the need for change? Modern Love essays end with another clear moment of action, realization or decision: based on everything I just showed you, here’s some beautiful wisdom.

Write your essay as creatively as you wish. But before you submit, revise it using the structure they usually publish. Yes, Modern Love is still incredibly competitive—but “keep trying” with essays you know are right for the venue and your odds are much better.

Another dream venue for many writers is McSweeney’s Internet Tendency. I’ve worked with writers on more than 20 pieces published by McSweeney’s, and they all have three things in common:

• Specific point of view. A clear answer to “Who are you and why are you telling us this?”
• Tight writing. McSweeney’s pieces don’t have a wasted word. When aiming for any humor outlet, do one more pass after your “final” draft and remove every word that isn’t absolutely necessary. (Rewriting by hand helps!)
• A little bit mean. McSweeney’s specializes in sharp, clever satire that cuts like glass. If your piece is “nice” or “sweet,” it’s not for them. Plenty of other humor sites have a softer edge.

Am I suggesting you subvert your creativity to someone else’s mold?

If you are a beautiful genius whose work defies categorization, who can’t be constrained by form, then you do you! Submit to literary magazines rather than commercial outlets or focus on publishing books. Or heck, start your own magazine where no two pieces are alike and the audience is different every issue.

But if you’d like to see your work in national publications—and get paid—it’s not enough to “keep trying” and hoping your work is what they want. Tailor your essay to smoothly fit their voice and mission. A couple of hours of analysis will not only improve your publication (and payment!) chances, you’ll also be a better writer—and that’s a win whether you’re published or not.

Allison K Williams has edited and coached writers to publication with many of the best-known outlets in media. As a memoirist, essayist, and travel journalist, Allison has written craft, culture and comedy for National Public Radio, CBC-Canada, the  New York Times,  and many more. She leads the Rebirth Your Book writing retreats series and, as Social Media Editor for  Brevity , she inspires thousands of writers with weekly blogs on craft and the writing life. Allison holds an MFA in Creative Writing from Western Michigan University and spent 20 years as a circus aerialist and acrobat before writing and editing full-time. Her latest book is Seven Drafts: Self-Edit Like a Pro From Blank Page to Book (Woodhall Press, 2021). Learn more at her website .

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed .

Thanks for this fascinating essay on getting essays into publications, Allison. In the past, I’ve done some of this research and had essays in Indianapolis Monthly Magazine, Family Fun, and the Saturday Evening Post. Yet in my half-written essay for Modern Love, I missed the element about how it is “modern.”

I’m wondering if you’ve tried another strategy, although it’s sometimes difficult to do. Check into the editor’s background and interests, (especially if aiming for a smaller publication, not national) and if they write in the front of the magazine, it can be fairly simple. I once unknowingly tapped into the editor’s personal subject they were interested in with my pitch, although I only learned that later. Using the tips you’ve shared to break in to a more regional publication where the competition is not so fierce can be rewarding. In fact, in the past I frequented a Writer’s Market feature telling how to “break in” to listed publications. As hard as this can be to succeed in, there are ways to help ourselves slant the odds in our favor.

You’re so welcome! And I love that idea of tapping into the editor’s interests and backgrounds, and yes, definitely starting regional is easier.

Hey Allison,

This is great advice. When you keep on trying, you usually try with the same everything. This is where thinking outside the box could benefit you. You can definitely get inspired by the difficulty and challenge your mind. Creativity tends to rise above and beyond when against the wall, but it can get stuck if you get in its way.

Loved the read!

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English Language Arts

From ‘Lives’ to ‘Modern Love’: Writing Personal Essays With Help From The New York Times

By Katherine Schulten

• Oct. 20, 2016

If you’re a regular Times reader, you’ve no doubt enjoyed, and maybe even taught with, some of the 1,000-plus personal essays from the Magazine’s Lives column , which has run weekly for decades.

But did you know that NYTimes.com also regularly features personal writing on everything from love and family to life on campus , how we relate to animals , living with disabilities and navigating anxiety ?

In this post we suggest several ways to inspire your students’ own personal writing, using Times models as “mentor texts,” and advice from our writers on everything from avoiding “zombie nouns” to writing “dangerous” college essays.

And since we’ve linked to but a fraction of the thousands of engaging personal pieces published in the paper over the years, we also invite you to add your own suggestions in the comments.

Seven Ideas to Inspire and Improve Personal Essays

App smart | digital diaries, a look at apps that help you document your daily life, through words, pictures and social media..

1. Keep a journal.

Research suggests that recording our run-of-the-mill, daily experiences, rather than just our highs and lows, could bring us unexpected joy. And there are apps you can use to make doing that easier.

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From ‘Lives’ to ‘Modern Love’: Writing Personal Essays With Help From The New York Times

October 26, 2016, new york times learning network, by educator innovator.

This resource from the New York Times Learning Network provides seven recommendations for teaching and writing personal essays, as well as a curated collection of essays from the Times to serve as mentor texts.

“In this post we suggest several ways to inspire your students’ own personal writing, using Times models as ‘mentor texts,’ and advice from our writers on everything from avoiding ‘zombie nouns’ to writing ‘dangerous’ college essays.”

Interested in finding out more?  Read the full article at The New York Times Learning Network .

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